Stopping the Coronavirus is my Dream Job
Herewith, please accept my application.
Dear Sirs and Attractive Former Fox-News Bombshell,
I am aware that there is presently no advertised opening for a position with the government’s anti-coronavirus efforts. However, it is manifestly apparent that those that have such jobs have no interest in performing the required duties. They are not what you would call ‘team-players’ and are ‘self-motivated’, but not in the good way, unless you think selling your stock underhandedly before the market crashes is enhancing your key brand value proposition.
Thus, I implore you to hire me stat so that we can make a full 180 and reap the synergies gained from giving your current underperforming leadership some blue sky thinking and the 40,000-foot view before they take a deep dive onboard a Boeing 737-Max Deathliner™.
I am saddened, disappointed, and frankly kind of vexed that a person, like myself, with excellent (albeit non-existent) qualifications tired of sitting at home on the couch has not been recruited by the appropriate authorities to lead us out of the current conundrum.
To clarify, I certainly do not wish to imply that I would like to be considered for the minimum wage role of ‘Essential Worker’. Nor do I wish to be considered for ‘Nurse’ or ‘Doctor’ watching helplessly as somebody gets a tube shoved down their trachea or whilst deploying other limited treatment options primarily trumpeted by politicians mid-brain aneurism. Nor would I entertain any other role where I would be faced with asserting my rights to hospital bureaucracies most adept at marking up Tylenol by 3000%, or where I would be greeted by well-meaning but cheap applause from people who are standing too damn close to each other as I exit the hospital after an 18-hour shift in Hades.
What I am most adroitly trying to convey is that having someone able to marshal the resources of the wealthiest nation(s) ever to exist on Earth to avert further catastrophe is the summer blockbuster people would pay good money to see if the theaters were, in fact, open. (Somebody tell Bob Iger at Disney!) To quote dear Martha, if people in charge were a little more Arnold Schwarzenegger and a little less Woody Allen or Quentin Tarantino right now, it would be “a good thing.”
Which is to say, while I would gladly play the role of Arnold Schwarzenegger (true fact: I grew up in Austria and currently reside in Kalifornia), I recognize that my body type (girlie-man) and complexion (sorta Asian-looking white guy) is not a good match.
Instead, I propose reprising Keanu Reeves’ role in the classic 1994 mass-transit themed, action-movie “Speed” where my astute mental map of L.A. freeways (I do my own stunts) would come in handy.
Look, if the last few weeks have taught me anything, it’s that once you’ve seen an L.A. freeway cruising along at 75 mph on a Thursday afternoon — truly I tell you — nothing is impossible.
I fully appreciate that the job you have no interest in offering me is not easy, and not without anxiety, but for all the doers, makers, creatives, problem solvers and general men — and women/gender non-specific — of action, rejoice, for at my Agency-cum-Task Force-cum-Hall of Justice, TPS reports have been eliminated, we have a strict “ask for forgiveness not permission” rule, and time is of the essence. Or at least that would be the logical approach to a problem that absolutely can be controlled and eventually solved with things like money, manpower and some freakin mojo.
Sirs, I ask you where are the new factories producing PPE? Knitting circles? Really? You claim the gloves are off, but we can’t get the masks on? Heck, I still can’t get my hands on some hand sanitizer, which are literally two ingredients, the hand and the sanitizer. To be clear, my first role as Czar would be to get rid of Aloe Vera, for we need to stop coddling those that think that their dry hands are more important than social distancing, getting a tan at the beach, and generally not being a fascist dick.
If asked to describe my administration, I see my role as Stopping-the-Coronavirus Czar like being the Director of the Bureau of Reclamation during the time of the Hoover Dam, the Chief Engineer on Apollo 11, Bill Gates, Angela Merkel and Greta Thunberg in one. Which is to say a highly competent get-er-done-er in a mildly-autistic sort of way.
Since neither the meritocratic nor the kleptocratic elite have any interest in actually doing things, making things, building things, or god-forbid, helping people, I not so humbly offer my services as your Next Action Hero.
If I do not hear from you shortly, please know that…wait for it…I’ll be back.
With Much Exasperation,
Ryan Kennedy
